Perfect Polly

From the world of As Seen on TV comes the best invention since sliced roadkill.  Ladies and gentlemen, we give you: PERFECT POLLY!

Perfect Polly is by all intents and purposes "perfect."  If by "perfect" you mean that you're spending $15 on a plastic piece of crap that looks like something you could by at the Dollar Store for that special someone that deserves nothing but the best.  If by "best" you mean a clear sign that you don't get a rat's ass about them. 

There are seams on its neck!  The feathers aren't even real feathers!  The most annoying thing about having a parakeet is the CHIRPING and THAT'S one of the main features of owning Perfect Polly.  So you're going to make Perfect Polly chirp, but I don't have to feed it, clean it or water it, but I DO have to listen to its chirping. It's the saddest excuse for a "pet" and the feathers are clearly designed by somebody who has never seen a parakeet in their life.  How about you take that sound chip out of that piece of plastic and add some "life-like" FEATHERS?!   And, what kind of frickin' person designed this to only make this "life-like" bird twitch to the left?!  What is it doing, watching a NASCAR marathon?!  

If Perfect Polly is the "perfect pet," then Barbie is the perfect mini over-achiever; Tonka is the perfect automobile manufacture; Dora the Explorer is the perfect destination vacation guide; and, an Easy Bake Oven belongs in every model kitchen.

Listen, I get that everyone wants to make a buck, but I'd rather you just go ahead a pick my pocket.  At least then you've gotten something past me.  But to blatantly attempt to take me as a sucker... I am offended. and so is every feather-having parakeet.  If all you're going to do is buy a piece of crap that just makes noise, feed it to your fire pit.  

Life-like...we think not.

Chico's - So Slimming Clothing

A commercial for Chico's clothing store popped up on TV, and I didn't really pay attention but then I wondered why this woman was posing and prancing around, so I tuned in.

Apparently, Chico's has a So Slimming Collection that is a "secretly chic" collection of dresses, skirts and pants.  They make you look slim!  They are amazing!  People of Pudgy Proportions, UNITE and head to Chico's to gain a wardrobe that will make you slim AND secretly chic just like that teeny, tiny model on TV!  Wait a second.... unless that chick who's dancing to the beat of her own drum all over the screen comes complete with muffin-top and back fat, this secret collection is just a bunch of BS.

Here's what we propose:  just like other companies, such as Weight Watchers and diet-pills-that-at-least-make-an-effort-to-prove-they-work, we think Chico's should show a before and after clip of this brunette in her unflattering gym clothes.  We checked and your clothes go up to a size 22, Chico's!  That means you could have found someone who could give this slimming BS some credibility.  Unfortunately, you're just another one of those companies who tries to train heavier woman to dress for the body they want, rather than the body they have.  

Go Daddy - Bar Refaeli Super Bowl Ad

I'm not going to be a petty jerk, and start name calling or start pointing out that this dude is blotchier than a child with poison ivy.  Let's face it, if any of you had to swap spit with a supermodel you'd probably either vomit or faint, so props to the dude in the business tee.  Humor me and watch:

Did anyone else find themselves wincing and making a face similar to the dude from Scream?

The creative minds behind this commercial failed, and not just because the sound of them...kissing...(eww)...sounds like a basset hound licking it's chops, but because they would have gotten more users had they used this situation as a threat.  For instance:

Danica: Go to GoDaddy.com or we'll show you the rest of this commercial...

(cut to 2 seconds of these people kissing)

Danica:  If we don't have more users by the end of this week, we will buy more commercial time next week and we will air the remainder.  Go to GoDaddy.com.  Now.  Bwaaahahahaha (evil laughter optional).

You're welcome, GoDaddy.  If only you had consulted us prior to this catastrophe.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find my blankie and pretend like this commercial never ever happened.

Cottonelle - Cherry Talks about Bum Wipes

A perky bleached blonde has just landed in the U.S. from London and she excitedly states, "Hi, I'm Cherry and I'm here to talk about your bums."  Then, holding a roll of toilet paper and a box of adult wipes, she goes up to people to talk to them about using wipes.  An old guy tells her that he likes using them because they make him feel "ultimately clean," and Cherry asks a couple teens if they'd like to use them.  The camera shows them walking off to the airport bathroom to use them and they come to report that they're "awesome."

I get that personal hygiene commercial ideas can be a tough hurtle and that coming up with commercials for wipes for adults may be difficult, but this?  Is this really where we're at, Cottonelle?  You've brought in someone from across the pond to harass people about ass wipes in an airport?  On a positive note, this commercial has taught me a few important things:  first, Cottonelle has found the bottom of the barrel; second, people with British accents aren't always charming as I earlier thought; and, third, not only do we have to make sure to avoid the weirdos hanging around handing out pamphlets, but we also have to keep a look out for the wipe-pushing-Brits.  Someone hand me a baby wipe, Cottonelle got crap all over my TV.

Sweet Sue - Canned Whole Chicken

Thanks to a food cooking show and a random find on the Internet, I have been introduced to the biggest F-U to home cooking since the invention of the microwave.  I give to you....

chicken in a can.

Take a moment to fight back the bile rising in your throat....

Are you ok?  Me neither, but we'll get through this together.

Sweet Sue is apparently the devil and down in the depths of Hell their chickens are gelatinous mutants, which is why Sweet Sue has the audacity to incorporate that golden label that boasts that THIS is "Home-Style Cooking."  But here in the land of the living, this is just plain nauseating.  Then it notes that the product is "Fully Cooked" right there at the bottom.  I suppose it would have to say it somewhere, because once that lubricated bird oozes out and plops onto the pan (cringe) you'd have to really question whether it was cooked.  And then you'd have to question your sanity, because your crazy ass bought it and I'm assuming it's because you have intentions of eating it.  There goes that bile again...

Auro-Dri - Ear Drying Aid

So a friend of mine had water in her ear and needed some ear drops.  Luckily, I just happened to have ear drops in my cabinet!  But how many drops do we use?  What are the directions?  Let's just turn the bottle on over and read the helpful information!  Auro-Dri, you brought this upon yourself.  

Now if you're having trouble reading this, let me just highlight a direct quote for you:  "Warnings:  Flammable.  Keep away from fire or flame.  Do not use in the eyes."   What in the hell are you even saying?!  Fire OR flame?  How do you get a fire sans flame?  Ok, Crazy McCrazy.  

Then you tell people to not use the ear drops in their eyes.  I get that some people are complete idiots who need this kind of disclaimer (although, it's insulting to anyone who functions above a third grade level), so I was willing to let it slide, but when we decided to call your 800# to ask how we too can become wizards who can separate fire from flame, we received a recorded message saying that your offices were closed (boo!).  BUT the message did say that if we called due to an emergency (let's say that we went ahead and flushed our eyes with ear drops or something devastating like that), we could go ahead and hang up and call some 1-888#.  Really?  I have hypothetically put EAR DROPS in my EYES!  1-888-blahblahblahblah?  NO, Auro-Dri.  No.  If you're going to place this product in the hands of someone who may be dumb enough to put these drops in their eyes, have the decency to actually help them by telling them to call 911.

Who approved this?!